Dr. Walter Suglow: Lunar Scientist (or Win Ben Stein’s Credibility)

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My dear friend Ben R. Williams wrote this fantastic skit for No Shame Theatre last Friday.

Dr. Walter Suglow: Lunar Scientist
or:
Win Ben Stein’s Credibility

A skit by Ben R. Williams

Characters:
Peter Menarche - Reed Braden
Dr. Walter Suglow - Ben R. Williams

(Lights up on Peter and Walter seated at a table, centre stage.)

Peter:  The moon.  For hundreds, perhaps even thousands of years, it has hung in the sky above, quietly judging mankind.  But what exactly is the moon?  Where did it come from?  Is it going to be the death of us all?  It’s time to lift the veil on this celestial mystery.  Our guest tonight is Dr. Walter Suglow, lunar scientist.  Thanks for coming on the show, doctor.

Walter: My pleasure, Peter.

Peter:  Doctor, let’s get down to the brass tacks.  What, exactly, is the moon?

Walter:  Well Peter, the mainstream scientific community would have you believe the theory that the moon is a rocky, uninhabitable satellite orbiting the planet Earth.  The fact is, we simply don’t know.  For all we know, the moon is a giant’s eyeball, or the egg of a sleeping space basilisk.  Until more information is gathered, we simply can’t jump to conclusions.

Peter:  But isn’t it true, doctor, that astronauts have actually walked on the surface of the moon?

Walter:  I see you’re a victim of our shoddy public school systems.  No, man has never visited the moon.

Peter:  I seem to recall some rather convincing footage…

Walter:  That was filmed on a soundstage in Glendora, California.

Peter:  Just to play devil’s advocate, how can you be so certain?

Walter:  Well, have you seen the moon?  (Holds fingers an inch apart.)  It’s like this big.  Those would have to be some tiny astronauts.

Peter:  Touché.  Now, tell me, exactly how distant is the moon from the Earth?

Walter:  Very, very distant.  At least fifty miles.  To put that into perspective, if you were to line up hamburgers end to end from the Earth to the moon, and then you were to eat those hamburgers, you would be fucking sick of hamburgers.  You might die also.  I don’t know; I’m a lunar scientist, not a medical doctician.

Peter:  Astonishing.  Could you tell us why the moon has such a strange and unearthly glow?

Walter:  Because the Lord God deemed it fit and proper.

Peter:  I see.  Well, this is all very fascinating, doctor, but how does the moon affect the average Joe’s day-to-day life?

Walter:  Well, Peter, you may have noticed that on certain occasions, usually about once a week, the moon takes on a perfect circular shape.

Peter:  I seem to recall such a thing.

Walter:  Well, when this happens, the cursed are transformed into werewolves, vârcolacs, and other shaggy-pelted demons.

Peter:  I see.  And who are these cursed individuals?

Walter:  The queers, mostly.  It’s God’s way of punishing them for their sinful life choices.

Peter:  That stands to reason.  Now, doctor, if you don’t mind me asking, what initially inspired you to enter the field of lunar science?

Walter:  I was simply tired of all the misinformation and propaganda surrounding the moon.  Were you aware, Peter, that 95% of our schoolteachers are members of a secret Atheist cabal dedicated to brainwashing our precious innocent children, and the remaining five percent are astro-vampires?

Peter:  I was unaware.

Walter:  It’s true.  I just want my own concepts taught alongside the present lunar theories.  If our children grow up believing that the moon is an inert ball of rock littered with American flags, golf balls, and dune buggies, well, we might as well just smother our children in their sleep.

Peter:  I think that’s a notion we can all get behind.  I’d like to thank you for your time, doctor.

Walter:  Of course.

Peter:  Join us tomorrow night when our guest will be Ben Stein, noted game show host and eyedrop shill.  See you then.

(Lights down)

 

Property of Ben R. Williams.  Reprinted with permission.

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