Reply On Behalf of Ellen and George

I hope Ellen DeGeneres and George Takei don’t mind:  I would like to respond to yesterday’s open letter addressed to them from Westboro Baptist Church.  No one attacks Captain Hikaru Sulu and gets off without a firm, fast Reed-spanking.

Open Letter to Ellen Degenerate & Star Trek’s George Takei (Sulu)

Ellen Degenerate?  I’m sorry, but I don’t know who she is.  The link that led to the press release said it was to Ellen DeGeneres, so I’m going to assume that this was a typo.  Wait!  I get it now!  You’re trying to be witty!  “Ellen Degenerate” was a groaner when Mad Magazine used it years ago and it is no more witty today.

-10 points for laughing at your own terrible jokes over and over again.

Dear friends,

They aren’t your friends.  They don’t want to be your friends.  You aren’t their friends.  You don’t want to be their friends.

-25 points for being lying, deluded morons.

Now that California has kicked up a foul same-sex marriage stink so rank that it’s attracting maggots from all over the world – you two are caterwauling like a tree full of howler monkeys about getting “married” to your own filthy partners in shame.

I would argue that “maggots”  (Maybe they meant “faggots?”)  are not going to California from all over the world to get married.  Maybe those maggots with California citizenship are squirming back to California to get married.  For the rest of us maggots, however, our states won’t recognise our marriages and we won’t reap the benefits of being married, even if we do get married in California.  There would be no point in it.  Now, if us maggots moved to California permanently (or at least until our home state adopts gay marriage), we could get married, but I don’t think enough maggots are travelling to California to really make out of it a deal of the epidemic proportions you are implying.  Now… where do tree-dwelling howler monkeys come into this metaphorical illustration?  Howler monkeys are usually vegetarian, but they supplement their diet with maggots for protein when necessary.  Are Ellen DeGeneres and George Takei eating homosexuals for extra protein?

-15 points for mixing your metaphors.

Well, now, if it’s so wonderful, why are you two hiding the time, date and place of those glorious affairs from Westboro Baptist Church? You are glorying in your shame. Phil. 3:19.

They might be hiding the place and time from your stupid church because they want to keep the ceremony wonderful.  If it were my wedding, I would personally invite every member of your church into the sanctuary to watch me enter in a gorgeous white gown, but it appears that you weren’t invited to the weddings of Ms. DeGeneres and Mr. Takei.  Don’t be sour about it.  Maybe they had limited space and could only invite family, not “friends.”

Oh… and by the way… there is no third chapter of Philemon.  -1200 points for that.

God has given you a bully pulpit and a bullhorn by virtue of your celebrity status; but rather than use it to spread a little truth and decency for young America – you are doing the opposite, spreading Satan’s filthy fag lies and immorality. You are bound, irreversibly, for Hell.

Ellen doesn’t have a pulpit.  On her show, she has armchairs and a desk.  She doesn’t bully anyone either.  In fact, she’s kind of the anti-bully.  George had a few control panels on the Enterprise, but nothing resembling a pulpit.  Both of these entertainers use body mics and boom mics, not bullhorns.  You’re a bully, you have a pulpit and you use a bullhorn.  I think you’re projecting yourself onto your enemies.

-15 points for self-loathing.

WBC wants to use your farcical, unholy “weddings” to counteract your lies with a little Gospel truth. We plan to picket you!

Well, I can’t much argue with this.

+100 points for being open and honest about your agenda.

-500 points for your agenda being a hate-filled mound of fetid compost and rotting placenta.

Please tell us the date, time, and place of your blasphemous affairs.

Well, after such a convincing argument who could possibly keep you off their guest list now?

-900 points for having the intellect and the pleasantness of an average Vogon warrior.  Your writing isn’t nearly as good as their poetry though.

You have lost 2565 points from your previous total of -98,534 in the game of not sucking at life.  I hereby convict you of being a very obnoxious parody religion under the authority Poe’s Law.  You fail.