Seven Words

This is a skit I wrote and performed for No Shame Theatre last night.

Seven Words

by Reed Braden

Reed: I recently learned that the phrase “The Seven Words,” used by comedians to refer to the late, great George Carlin’s “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television,” Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker and Tits, also refers in theological circles to the seven sayings of Jesus Christ on the Cross. That got me thinking…

[Reed exits, Man enters in Pope hat, reading from a Bible]

Pope: And, lo, they hung the body of Jesus onto a piece of wood. And it did hang there for quite some time. Possibly hours, maybe a day. The centurions did spit upon our Saviour and, behold, our Saviour did cry out:

[Reed re-enters in his underwear with stigmata on his hands, as Jesus with his hands stretched out still nailed to the cross]

Jesus: Jesus Christ, this really hurts! Father, forgive these little shits, for they know not what they do!

Pope: And the people, they felt ashamed. A thief, a common brigand, was hanged upon a piece of wood next to our Saviour’s piece of wood and he did tell our hero Jesus that he really did admire him. And Jesus did reply:

Jesus: Truly I say unto you, today you shall piss with me in paradise.

Pope: And the thief, he was glad in his heart. Our Saviour’s mother was there too. She had just gotten back from her errands in Lourdes, Guadeloupe, and Fatima, talking to frightened little children, telling them not to kill and beat people. John the Beloved, a bit of a buggerer, was there with the mother of our Saviour, when Jesus cried to her:

Jesus: Woman, behold your son. Son, behold your mother. Woman, do not fuck him. Thou must stayeth a virgin and be the virgin Mary. Thou art my mother… and that is disgusting.

Pope: And then a crow landed on our Saviour’s head and did shit on him.

Jesus: Son of a bitch!

[Reed tries to blow the bird off the top of his head]

Pope: And he did cry out:

Jesus: Eloi, Eloi, get this cunting bird off my head!

Pope: And theologians were very confused and did debate for hundreds of years hence if cunting was really a word or not. At that moment, Peter came out of the crowd to the feet of Jesus. “Jesus,” he called to the bloodied sack of godmeat on the piece of wood, “Jesus, Thou hittest the nail square on its head. The cock did crow thrice as I did forsake thee thrice.” And Jesus did say:

Jesus: All is forgiven.  Hey, Peter, is that a feather hanging out of thy mouth? I know this is a cheap joke, but I’m hanging on a fucking cross here: Peter, you cocksucker.

Pope: “O ho,” cried Peter, who was called the rock, “Thou did gettest me good that time.” And all did laugh at our Saviour’s pun. And then John the Beloved began beloving our Saviour’s mother too much. And our Saviour did say:

Jesus: Hey! I’m still alive up here and I can see you! John, you motherfucker, stop fucking my mother! Stop fucking my mother!!!

Pope: And then Jesus Christ, our Saviour did die.

 [Reed dies.]

Pope: With these words,

[Reed, annoyed, comes back to life and looks crossly at the man in the Pope hat]

 Pope: …he issued his last cry of bloodcurdling pain and torment:

Jesus: Father, into thy hands I commit my spirit, so that I may lie down betwixt thy tits and eat s’mores while thou readeth unto me a chapter of some book I like. Possibly a John Grisham. Perhaps a Stephen King. Aaaaaauuugh.

[Reed dies]

Pope: And theologians, once again, were very confused and for hundreds of years did debate as to whether God was a woman or not, or if Almighty God just had bitchtits.

[Reed exits]

Pope: Thus ends the account of the “Seven Words Of Jesus On The Cross That You Can Never Say On Television.”

We love you, George.