Emo Kid Religions

Emo kids get ripped on a lot here on the Interwebnets.  Mostly, those ripping on emo kids don’t take the time to delve into the religious nuttery of many emos.  That’s what I want to tackle here: specifically, Satanism, Vampirism, and Wicca (and Faeries).

I’ve noticed a lot of emos pretend that they are one or more of these in an effort to flip the bird to the establishment, while only making themselves look almost as stupid (and in several cases) actually dumber than Young-Earth Creationshits.

Satanism

Satanism is hard to define.  Mainly this is because Satanism, in the form of the word used by Christians, doesn’t really exist.  People who believe in the Christian Trinity and the Christian Devil do not worship the devil outside of mental hospitals.  This was made up as a straw man and has been pinned to various groups in the past.  The Jews worshipped Satan, kill infants, make candles out of baby fat, etc..  Old cat ladies and weird people who fancy themselves to be magical pray to Satan and induce miscarriages among Puritan wives.  Madalyn Murray O’Hair was secretly the devil in human form and vanished back to Hell after her job (kicking God out of the schools) was done.  In fact, she was murdered, not sucked into the abyss, but I’ve heard this mindless claim as lately as 2006.  This straw man Satanism is rehashed in the idiotic book, of which I have an autographed copy, by Jerry Johnson The Edge of Evil (with a foreword written by Geraldo Rivera, of all people) that wildly assumes, with drool hanging off Jerry’s lips and his brow protruding past his nose, posits that Satanism is taking over North America’s youth.

Anton LaVey decided to make it difficult for everyone in 1966 when he founded the Church of Satan, a group which actually does not believe in Satan, and called his followers, drama-loving Atheists with candles, Satanists.  Satanism is compatible with other religions, according to two of my three Satanist friends (which, I agree is not a reliable survey group) because it makes no claims about gods and devils itself.  Satanism, according to Satanists, is merely a belief in “Satan,” a natural force of unrest and antagonism comprised of the innate desires of men to be selfish and cruel and the inner, seldom expressed personalities of the primal man inside of us.  In this way, it is a celebration of “evil,” but in a naturalistic way.  There are some people–seemingly, the current head of the Church of Satan is one–who call themselves ethical Satanists.  This seems to me to be completely nonsensical and contrary to LaVey’s Satanic Bible, which I read, alongside several other complimentary books by Anton LaVey, while attending Catholic school.

The reason why I read the Satanic Bible, although I never claimed to be a Satanist, is precisely the reason why I feel most Satanists are Satanists and why, indeed, all three of my Satanist friends tell me they are Satanists:  They want to piss people off.

Satanism–in its real sense, not its straw man sense–is just that:  A wish to provoke fear in the general population and an attempt to drive people out of their comfort zones.  I must commend the effort to get people to think about their belief systems and take them away from what is usual and comforting long enough for them to become exposed to polar opposite opinions, but the way in which this is gone about is wrong, in my opinion.

This seems to be one of the most common–though not as common as Satanism’s “good” twin, Wicca–emo kid religions.

I feel I must say it again:  Atheism with candles.

Vampirism

Roleplayers Gone Wild!  Emo kids are characterised by a loathing of society (even though their music and fashion is now being mass-produced by the clothing and record labels that furnish the rest of society’s youth) and often, as is the case with Satanism, pick philosophies, religions and hobbies that go against society.  These are ideas and past-times that often involve pretending they are someone they are not or that they have powers that they do not.

Vampirism is just that.  It is not technically a religion, even in the loosest of terms that allow me to call Satanism and Wicca religions, but it encourages depressed emo kids who want to imagine a new life, one that has power and influence over others, to adopt an alternate reality.  Vampirism almost always starts with role-playing, often in small towns where kids have nothing to do after the moon comes out.  I’ve seen my share of vampire role-players in downtown Roanoke city and I’ve scared so many of them by pretending to call the police (For what crime?  Ridiculousness?) or revving my car engine behind them.  It’s quite fun.  You should try it.

Vampire groups, I refuse to call them guilds or covens or clans, form a tight community and flock together as they perform random, petty acts of vandalism.  One group famously spray-painted a pentacle and a bleeding heart on the overlook platform on Mill Mountain several years ago.  The press briefly mentioned it, but they didn’t take them seriously.  I like to imagine that several middle school children, reeking of cheap black hair dye, were watching the newscasters giggle that night and said, in a cracking voice, “You’ll be sorry!”

I would imagine that psychological factors and overall loneliness play into this next part, but as I have no background in psychology and sociology, I won’t risk a statement to that effect here.

It is in these close-knit groups that these children begin to actually believe they are vampires.  Some of them drink blood; usually their own, sometimes each others’.  This self-deception can lead to deception of others in their group believing that they too are vampires.

It’s fun to mock them, but this can be dangerous.  Satanists and Wiccans are usually prone to leaving others alone, but people who fancy themselves to be vampires are so engrained into this mentality that they think they are above the law, can easily flee the law or are in complete disregard for the laws.  A younger boy at my high school several years ago named Sterling often pretended to be a “creature of the night” (hehehe) with several students from other schools.  When his girlfriend broke up with him, as the story goes, he became so emotionally distraught that he killed both of his grandparents with a knife before calling one of his “vampire” friends to ask for help hiding.  A special on MSNBC recently featured a “vampire” from Murray, Kentucky bludgeoning his girlfriend’s parents to death with a crowbar.

Now, it’s probably not vampirism that leads these kids to murder, although it does lead to their fascination with blood and the drinking of blood.  It is most likely social anxiety and the pressures of teenage life that drive these kids to murder… but vampirism helps.  Most vampires either see role-playing as harmless (which it is when it’s just role-playing) or they really do see themselves as spiritually being vampires (whatever that means).  Because of this, psychological treatment must be hard.

Again, I’m speculating.

On a side note, my friend Colin convinced me in the seventh grade that he was a vampire after the Jonathan Lipnicki film, The Little Vampire, came out.  I was still a Christian and, as such, vulnerable to believing spiritualistic garbage.  He didn’t believe it himself though.

Wicca (and Faeries)

Wicca is probably one of the most misunderstood religions today that is actually allowed to have a symbol on military headstones.  Even Wiccans can’t decide what they believe.

Back when I was under the terrifying delusion that women were nice things to put my prick in, I dated several Wiccan girls.  The first boob I ever groped (it’s been a long, tumultuous down-hill path of booby addiction since) was an A-cup belonging to the leader of a coven of witches, or so she considered herself.  I was invited to a meeting of several girls at my girlfriend’s house to watch their rituals.  It was like watching Pentecostal vampire hippies circle-jerk.  As a (then) Baptist, I was shocked.  My girlfriend took an ornate silver dagger and pricked the palm of her hand to let the blood flow into a goblet.  She passed the cup and knife around and all the girls (I think there were six of them.) did the same.  My girlfriend then blessed the cup in what she called Gaelic but was most definitely jibberish and took a sip.  The rest of the girls took a sip after her.  Then they hummed some nonsense melodies and slipped into what looked like a trance.  I stepped out at this time and wandered around the house to try to get away from the idiocy.

If it wasn’t for those A-cups, I would have dumped her.  (Hey!  I was a loner in 10th grade!  I couldn’t afford to be picky!)

Oh right… they also believed in faeries.  Yes, real faeries.

I’ve been told by other Wiccans since that this was not Wicca and by yet more Wiccans that this was.  However, in each form that I’ve seen and notice, the majority of the adherents seem to be teenagers who are looking for an alternate reality.  They believe that they are witches, capable of using white magic (or Magick) to cure illnesses.  Like Atheists have been saying about prayer for decades:  Show me an amputee healed by white magic.  Just one.

All-in-all, Wicca does not seem to be any more dangerous than any other religion, as is the case with vampirism, and it even seems to be less dangerous than the current selection of major religions, but it is still a whiny emo kid religion for kids who can’t accept that reality is reality and they will never make the football team.

So… there’s three religions you don’t hear much about.  I hope I was able to do them factual justice and ridicule them hard enough.  Anyone know any other non-mainstream religions and lunacies that are typically emo?

I also met a 14-year-old emo girl who claimed to be a Scientologist even though she has never paid the Church of Scientology a single nickel and she looked utterly baffled when I asked what OT level she was.

I also know a Southern Baptist emo kid who claims to not be emo.  His name is Garrett Garlington and he’s hiding in the closet with Jesus.  You can rick-roll him by phone at 540-588-5367.

Goddammit!  I hate emo kids!