Fuck PETA. Fuck them. I fucking hate PETA. Fuck.

WARNING:  This post contains titties after the fold.

For those of you who don’t already know, I FUCKING HATE PETA.  I like to be able to enjoy my life at the top of the food chain, a position that took us a really fucking long time to attain, without anaemic hippies throwing paint on my leather and wool jackets and protesting at my grocery store where I go to buy beef.

Now PETA is attacking two gods of the food industry.  Two wonderful upright citizens whose only crime is making the entire lactose-tolerant world smile.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of Ben & Jerry’s Homemade Inc., urging them to replace cow’s milk they use in their ice cream products with human breast milk, according to a statement recently released by a PETA spokeswoman

[...]

PETA officials say a move to human breast milk would lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies on factory farms and benefit human health.

“The fact that human adults consume huge quantities of dairy products made from milk that was meant for a baby cow just doesn’t make sense,” says PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman. “Everyone knows that ‘the breast is best,’ so Ben & Jerry’s could do consumers and cows a big favor by making the switch to breast milk.”

Now don’t get me wrong:  I may be gay, but I love boobies.  Boobies are fantastic balls of joy that have the power to make men and women of any orientation happier just by being present.  I do NOT, however, want to take a big bite of Chunky Monkey and chew it around my mouth for a while wondering why it tastes funny… only to read the label saying “100% Human Milk.”  Wrong wrong wrong!

Humans have spent thousands of years figuring out the subtle taste variations in dozens of types of animal milk and creating thousands of types of milks, creams and cheeses to satisfy any taste.  To replace all of that with people milk is not only disgusting but it’s like replacing thousands of years of human art with millions of copies of the same picture:  This picture of Tracy Reiman dressed as a cow, cornering and attacking another human being while he tries to do his job peacefully.

Sure, it would be funny and kitschy for a while, but after a while we would miss the Mona Lisa.

Cows produce larger amounts of milk and they produce milk for longer periods than humans.  Cow milk is abundant whereas human milk is not.  It would be economically unfeasible, not to mention disgusting, to use human milk.  Since humans only produce enough milk for their own child, it would be cruel to human children to take their mothers’ milk, whereas it’s only imagined to be cruel to cows.  We don’t know that cows interpret tit sucking as cruel.

But if you want to hook your tits up to one of these, Ms. Reiman, be my guest.  I’m not going to drink it.

It just goes to show, once again, that PETArds love animals more than human women.

What next, PETArds?  Stop making burgers out of cows?  Make them out of humans instead?  Yeah, fuck you.

Oh… and in the letter to Ben & Jerry’s, Tracy of course had the obligatory veal reference.

And of course, the veal industry could not survive without the dairy industry. Because male calves can’t produce milk, dairy farmers take them from their mothers immediately after birth and sell them to veal farms, where they endure 14 to 17 weeks of torment chained inside a crate so small that they can’t even turn around.

That’s just one more reason why Ben & Jerry’s should buy as much cow milk as possible!  More cow milk means more veal!  My favourite meal I’ve eaten in the past few years is the veal saltimbocca at Roanoke’s Montano’s International Restaurant.  If more ice-cream production means more dairy production and more dairy production means more veal production, then the more delicious ice cream Ben & Jerry’s makes the less my veal costs!  Yay!

(Tip O’ The Hat to Evil Bender)