Gay in Oklahoma

In celebration of National Coming Out Day and in memory of Matthew Shepard, I’ve asked my friend Matt to write about being gay in the Bible Belt Midwest.  Give him a big friendly welcome!

- Reed

Matt

October marks the tenth year anniversary of the brutal and savage murder of Matthew Shepard, when two local men viciously tortured and slaughtered the young political science major and left him for dead on a roadside fence post. It marks yet another time when general principles like human decency and respect for one another were suspended for the sake of hatred and prejudice. No doubt, events like these have echoed countless times throughout the long and painful history of oppression and savagery. The story of Matthew Shepard is another which will fit well among the lynching, and witch-burning, and torturing, and raping, and plundering and other such atrocities that define our archetypal understanding of cruelty.

So, my name is Matt and I live and grew up in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I am also gay, which makes for an interesting experience in a largely conservative part of the country. Because of that, Reed has asked that I write about being a gay teen living in the the Bible Belt for Matthew Shepard Day, and I will do my best.

I often get asked “What’s it like to be gay here?” It isn’t easy, as one can imagine, and it’s a little suffocating. Maybe I can describe it as a sort of paranoia that lingers around, and is intensified around others. Every step outside the door feels like a loud assertion, and maybe that’s what it really is. I’m not going to lie: I’m effeminate and don’t care. But that sort of thing isn’t popular among the majority of Oklahomans who like their football and tailgating and Baptist churches.

Growing up isn’t easy either, of course. My friend who came out to his family was quickly sent to therapy and given the kind of degayification literature that lines the shelves of those lovely Christian bookstores. Another friend was beaten up after being outed by people who didn’t like him. My lesbian friend is routinely shunned by her family. For many people, it is a topic that is painstakingly avoided and when it accidentally comes up, there is always a remarkably awkward silence that follows. I don’t know how many friends I have who say that they just never talk about it with their families. These type of anecdotal examples are pretty typical for a lot of people, but this region is one in particular that does a tremendous job in keeping itself close minded.

Actually, the lessons taught while growing up are fairly simple. Do well in school, join the Boy Scouts or whatever else, but most importantly, be a good Christian: Go to church every Sunday and Wednesday, tithe, and participate in various youth groups. Anything that deviates from this is morally questionable. In fact, I can remember feeling suspicious of Bill Gates when he wouldn’t reveal his religious beliefs. It’s amazing the power that indoctrination can have over someone, and it’s very much a group mentality that one understands from the beginning.

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As for the church doctrine and its attitude toward homosexuality, it’s really pretty simple: homosexuality is morally reprehensible. Anyone suspected of being gay is likened to an out-group sinner, like a sick and injured goose who is estranged from his pack. And this sort of reality is not good for someone who is gay and fourteen and very aware of it. From the moment I connected this aspect of my identity with the gay identity of society, I knew I had to keep it a secret or else. Actually, it took me a while to even make that connection.

To me, fire and brimstone was a reality. The reality was so threatening to me that I often spent hours at night begging god to make me normal. This isn’t unusual. I have many friends who experienced this, and in order to convince loving Christian naysayers that don’t “believe” in homosexuality, they often recount those late nights spent praying on the floor. I was afraid, but a large part of coming out is actually realizing it and overcoming the fear of admitting it to oneself. Because of religious doctrine, I was afraid to admit it, but dared myself many times to just mouth the words, “I’m gay.” It was a rush doing it especially in the presence of adults.

It sounds really ridiculous and over dramatic, but I think it reveals the vast mental conflict I experienced while growing up. I imagined what it’d be like to writhe in hell, and to be judged by god after the rapture. I remember always feeling uneasy, despite that my baptism and acceptance of Jesus made me immune to Hell. I remember crying hysterically to my mother because I was concerned about my acceptance into heaven. She explained why I shouldn’t be worried, and I was deeply relieved for a few minutes. Then I realized the existence of other religions.

Despite the need to rebuild confidence after a few years of self-contempt, I had accepted myself. The challenge was to keep growing up with others who wouldn’t accept me, and to make people I cared about accept me. People develop their bigotries throughout the early days of school, but in the years leading up to graduation, people begin to translate their hatred into arguments and sentences and back it up with biblical doctrine. I remember in my eleventh grade English class the teacher brought up the topic, among other issues deemed controversial in Oklahoma (like The Da Vinci Code), and the usual discourse followed: gay people are just trying to get attention from their parents, they are pretending, and my religion says this and that. That was it. It is one of my greatest regrets that I was spineless during those times, but it is why I will never again back down to prejudice and bigotry. I think that is my greatest fear.

Many of us who grow up in Oklahoma begin to understand the challenges we face. My gay friend knows this very well, considering he became an Eagle Scout and wants to work for the Big Brothers Big Sisters foundation. Actually, the program itself does not discriminate, but the choice of mentor is left at the discretion of the parents. I do not need to go into what this means, only to mention that his phone remains silent.

The problem with my friend is not that the institution is somehow discriminatory, but that our society still is. I think the gay rights movement has achieved leaps and bounds in the past years, but now it has been met with a re-emergence of bigotry and intolerance. As always, it is subversive and takes forms which indicate a very opposite meaning. Throughout Oklahoma, various “gay therapy” programs have sprouted and many churches are providing official counseling services themselves.

The latter is usually the option presented to newly outed gays, but it is striking that there is even an option at all. What if these churches would simply accept gays openly and help society become less divisive, instead of effectively justifying homophobia and marginalizing gays even more? Probably a decrease in church membership and, thus, donations.

The former, however, is a more aggressive strategy. It presents concerned and hysterical parents with a distortion of the truth about homosexuality, and asks for money so that “affected” children can be shown even more intolerance except under the guise of “the love of god.” It is a sad and desperate movement by sad and desperate demagogues who tell gay teens that they are morally sick and in need of help. It targets them, and subversively breeds insecurity and ruins confidence, all in the name of god and all by the distortion of scientific evidence. It suggests that homosexuality is a choice in need of fixing, thus justifying people’s intolerance.

No doubt there is work to be done. I’m nineteen now, and very open about who I am. I try to blend in and become an example and I help my campus gay rights organization create events that help the public become more aware of the issues. I’m helping with a movement that aims to expose the lies of gay therapy and push back against the newly formed constructs of systematic bigotry. I encourage everyone to help as well, so that atrocities like the murders of Matthew Shepard and Lawrence King can’t happen again.

www.TruthWinsOut.org

- Matt