A reader sent this to me via instant message. (Forgive me, I forgot who it was.)
SEX WITH DUCKS!!! OMG!!!
This song is in response to Pat Robertson’s recent ejaculation that making it illegal to hate gay people will make it illegal to hate people who fuck ducks.
Somehow, this video might be related:
You know, for all the talk that Jesus fellow did about community and fellowship, Christians sure do kill a lot of Christians over the silliest things.
Dr. George Tiller, a physician specialising in late-term abortions was shot and killed today as he volunteered as an usher for his Lutheran church. Even many anti-abortionists are decrying this act of murder (in public):
The Susan B. Anthony List condemns this anti-life act in the strongest of terms. The heart of the pro-life movement is one founded in love.
Note to Christian priests/pastors: When you preach from your pulpit that abortion is murder—like the Catholic church I visited today which had a bulletin board filled with anti-abortion nonsense and lies–and you encourage people to read from a book that states, “If men who are fighting hit a pregnant woman and she gives birth prematurely […] if there is serious injury, you are to take life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise. (Exodus 21:22-25 NIV),” and repeats the same eye-for-an-eye mantra twice (Leviticus 24:19-21 1, Deuteronomy 19:21 2) but only rebuts it once (Matthew 5:38-39 3), you are inciting people to do terrible things whether or not you realise it. Even something as seemingly harmless as showing doctored photographs of mangled foetuses in front of Planned Parenthood is psychologically damaging to women who want healthcare and hateful, and their hate and their lies are the echos of your sermons. The actions of your church’s congregation reflect on you and if you don’t want your parishioners to go crazy and start killing abortionists, gay rights leaders, Democrats, Communists, Muslims, etc., you need to start telling the truth that, yes, there are parts of the Bible that believers should ignore.
Think about what you preach, pastors. I know that you’re essentially immune to being held accountable by law for the repercussions of your sermons, but that doesn’t give you license to drive demented people further into their dangerous vigilante attitudes by giving them “moral” justification. You are responsible for the easily-moulded minds of many people and you may not even realise how much harm you may be doing with those minds until one of your own members decides to go on a rampage.
And while I’m at it, the murderer of George Tiller and the murderer’s priest/pastor are both the proud recipients of this week’s Homosecular Gaytheist Dumbass of the Week! Congrats, assholes!
I was just informed by my opponent’s wife that my friend Stuart Bain will be running against me for Congress in 2014.
I like Stuart. He’s a wonderful guy who knows what he’s talking about most of the time (which is better than Bob Goodlatte’s ‘none of the time’ and my own ‘some of the time’) and he’s exceedingly rational for a Libertarian.
There’s a video floating around out there of me singing a song at Stuart’s feet as he was being crucified in front of a Baptist congregation. I’m sure a few campaign attack ads can be made from that… for either side, really.
Stuart, if you’re reading this, game on, mothafucka!
Sorry I’ve been quiet for a few days. I’m taking about a week of a mental vacation while I do absolutely nothing and think about very little. I believe I actually got the last job I applied for (just waiting for the final word) and I don’t have much time to be a lazy before I start working again… so an extended week-long nap sounds like a great idea to me. To keep you company while I’m gone, here’s a gigantic close-up of my left pinky toe immediately after my toenail fell off.
Quick civics lesson:
The Judicial Branch interprets the law.
The Executive Branch enforces the law.
The Legislative Branch creates the law.
The voters elect the members of the branches.
We are not a direct democracy: Voters don’t make the laws. They elect the people who make the laws. They do not decide the law by popular vote. That’s not how we do things in America. The highest judges in the state of California forgot that little piece of knowledge.
Maggie McFee (AKA TankGrrl) designed a tee-shirt based on the last episode of Two Smokin’ Hot Freethinkers!
Buy one*!
I LISTENED TO THE TWO SMOKIN-HOT FREETHINKERS PODCAST
AND ALL I GOT WAS THE FLYING MEXICAN PIG AIDS
She is my favouritest person on the Internets.
* Note: Sizes range from Adult S to XXXL and styles are short sleeve, long sleeve, V-neck and girly fitted short sleeve. “Whore-nun habit” (depicted in picture) is not available at this time.
In case some of you thought I forgot about these lunatics, I’m still keeping count.
As of this posting, they’ve made 411 posts on their staunchly anti-abortion, anti-gay and wilfully ignorant blog. Even after I informed them that they should keep posting to a minimum because I will be donating $1 for every post on their blog at the end of the year to Planned Parenthood of the Blue Ridge, the majority of their posts are still just links to YouTube videos or pictures. I’m starting to think that they’re really pro-abortion and they’re just posting as often as they can in order to give more money to Planned Parenthood. If that’s the case, good for them.
(I know… I changed the deal a slight bit. Instead of donating monthly, I’m going to give a lump sum at the end of the year. It will make a bigger statement that way and I didn’t have money to spare in the first quarter of this year.)
At the rate things are going, I will be donating around $1000 at the end of December to Planned Parenthood, thanks to the bigots at Holy Innocents Catholic Church. I’m certain that the clinic will be happy with their contribution.
This is the second post refuting the book Extreme Answers to Life’s Tough Questions published by Family Christian Press, written by Jonathan Gray, Rhonda O’Brien and Shawn A. Harrison.
The book offers nothing but extreme (some would say extremist), simplistic answers to complex problems and leaves no room for questioning. I’m offering these refutations for any teenagers who have had this book inflicted upon them as a guide to questioning rigid church doctrines. The full list of refutations of Extreme Answers can be found here.
This section is all about Absolutes and why they make Baby Jesus wet himself with glee.
Please not that where I use the word Christians, I’m speaking about the majority of mainstream Christians and mainstream Catholics. My grievances against Christian abuse of scripture do not apply to all Christians, but to the Christians that the majority has allowed the become the public face of Christianity.
Christians love absolute authority and strict non-interpretable laws. A quick glance through the history of Christian theocracy will show this with incredible clarity. When Christians have an ethical dilemma and they can point to a page of the Bible and state that a verse clearly and without possibility of interpretation shows what they–and everyone else–should do, they’re at their most dangerous. Remember, it was the single verse, “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. Exodus 22:18, KJV,” that caused more torture, death and violence than any other human work in history.
Biblical absolutes would be fine and dandy if just the Christians followed them. If the Christians opened their Bibles one day and saw, “Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him? 1 Corinthians 11:14, KJV,” and realised that after all these years, they had the dress code wrong, that would be fine. The big preacher-haired preachers would stop fighting to have the biggest hair and start coming up with new ways to trim their head stubble to less than .001 mm in length. All churches would open in-house barber shops advertising only the most fashionable styles of bald. Maybe even the President and the members of Congress would show a little scalp in solidarity with their Christian brothers. And all of this would be fine.
However, Christians can’t simply say, “Well, my Bible tells me to live this way, but you folks have fun with whatever it is that you do.” They have to push it on other people as well. To continue the example from the last paragraphs, if Christians, for whatever reason, started clinging to that verse as vehemently as they do others (Leviticus 18:22, 20:13 and Romans 1:26-27 come to mind for some reason), soon we would start to see old men handing out scissors on the sidewalks outside of the schools. Some students would start leaving trumped-up pamphlets and tracts around school about the medical dangers of long hair. Some parents would force their children into the barber’s chair every Sunday morning and force them to cut off all their hair. Maybe a handful of teachers across the nation would get in the newspapers over having shorn his male students in the middle of a history lesson. Non-Christians with long hair would be scorned in public and would be pressured into cutting their hair so they wouldn’t lose their friends or their family or their job.
So what does the book say about absolutes?
Edwin Satre (Atheist Nexus, Twitter), the self-proclaimed, “blasphemous Pastafarian drummer, the most outspoken person of CSEC, the voice of reason in an irrational world,” is homophobic.
In talking to Andrew Milne of footbullet.net in a public room, he called him “a faggot” twice, “gay” once, and in a grammatical ejaculation that I dare you to parse, a “dumb fuck cunt”.
I’m ashamed to report that he also proudly stated that he reads my blog. As John Lennon should have done with the whole Charles Manson/Helter Skelter thing, I would like to distance myself from this dangerous person before he does any serious harm to anyone.
Anyone who misinterprets my blog to preach violence and hate is not condoned by me and I will not be held responsible for the words and actions of deranged maniacs.
More of Edwin’s nonsense:
I haven’t done one of these in a while, and I know it’s only Wednesday, but I think this calls for an awarding of HG’s Dumbass of the Week to Edwin Cullen Satre, 9/11 conspiracy nut and “Spiritual Atheist”.
From Travis, regarding Edwin: “Where did you learn your critical thinking skills from, the side of a cereal box?”
We now know that torture was used after the 2003 invasion of Iraq to force a feeble link between Al Qaeda and Iraq to justify the war to the American people (Rachel Maddow Show, 14 May 2009), but how do we justify war to the soldiers and their superiors?
Donald Rumsfeld put out these Top Secret Intelligence Updates to George W. Bush and his senior military staff shortly after the invasion. GQ recently released the images.
As Christianity now controls who dies and who lives and the entire world is in chaos because of a 2000-year-dead Jew, all I can say is the world makes no sense and cream cheese to the Moon, motherfuckers.
LOS ANGELES, May 14 (UPI) — The Christian media watchdog group The Resistance says it plans to have members disrupt screenings of the film "Angels & Demons" at U.S. theaters.
The Resistance said in a release it will have "dozens of theaters in major cities filled with their members to interrupt the premiere by shouting at audiences about how the film and novel it’s based on are a fraud aimed at covering up the fact that the Illuminati secret society continues to exist and illegally influences political affairs in America."
Informational fliers also are to be handed out inside the theaters, the group said.
…
"The mainstream media is not covering the important issues surrounding the film, so we are going to bring our message directly to the audience," Mark Dice, spokesman for The Resistance, said in a statement.
To clarify, these people believe that a secret cabal of goddess-worshippers running back into the Middle Ages runs the US government and they’re protesting a film that speaks poorly of them. Think, morons: If there was such a group and it had so much influence, why were the Dan Brown books and the subsequent movies allowed to become so popular, much less produced?
If you start shouting in a theatre and distracting patrons from the movie they paid to see, you will be arrested. I hope “The Resistance” has a legal fund to bail all of your asses out of jail.
From Picture Is Unrelated:
I disagree. I’ve been rejecting Christ for years and I still have to buy my bacon. Where is this free Atheist Bacon?
(As I Post This… get it? This article’s about cereal! Post! Bah hah! I crack myself up.)
Seriously, I wouldn’t expect anything less from the Onion… but this is serious news:
Do you want to know something about Cheerios that, until recently, General Mills didn’t know? Of course you do. Cheerios is a drug. No, really. The WSJ Health Blog says that General Mills made a slight, um, let’s call it a "miscalculation" when they were drafting their marketing speech and by claiming that Cheerios is "clinically proven to lower cholesterol," they inadvertently "cause[d] it to be a drug." Whoopsies!
The FDA says, in a letter to General Mills:
“Based on claims made on your product’s label, we have determined that your Cheerios® Toasted Whole Grain Oat Cereal is promoted for conditions that cause it to be a drug because the product is intended for use in the prevention, mitigation, and treatment of disease.”
The letter continues on to say that Cheerios "may not be legally marketed with the above claims in the United States without an approved new drug application."
Is it wrong that we desperately want to read such an application?
It’s bugged me forever that food products—and it’s always the breakfast foods, for some reason—can market themselves like drugs without being actual drugs. They put an angry fat guy in a room with no Cheerios and take his blood pressure and then feed a triathlon champion a bowl of Cheerios and take his blood pressure and declare that the clinical trial proves that Cheerios can cure AIDS. (Slight exaggeration.) If we’re so health-conscious in this country that everything we consume has to cure something-or-another, that’s fine. If the market swings that way, I guess I really have no choice but to pour Milkitocin over my Cheeritol every morning, but we really need to regulate how these products are marketed.
Most Americans hear the Cheerios commercials and automatically assume that General Mills wouldn’t lie about the healing properties of processed rings of grain, so scepticism dies there. Sceptics need to step in and keep the mountebanks from using the airwaves to manipulate the public, from crackpot shills like Rhonda Byrne and Jenny McCarthy to slight stretching of the truth by companies like General Mills.
Maybe with the new administration, the FDA and other allegedly science-based agencies can start to become… you know… science-based. This Cheerios thing is a good start.
Oh… and while the FDA is doing useful things, how about regulating other non-medicines that are sold as medicine. Head-On, Airborne, Zicam, Neti Pots and a few others stick out in my mind. Oh! Oh! Oh! And can we legalise marijuana, a well-established treatment for anorexia, asthma, glaucoma and many cancers and a treatment for the symptoms of HIV/AIDS and flu? Pleeeeease? Pretty please?
Tip O’ The Spoon to the brilliant and incredibly sexy Jeff Spencer.
From GraphJam.
And, of course, as with all joke sites when serious topics are introduced, the comment section is a cesspool of uninformed hate.
(Click to embiggen and de-comicify)
I drive by this every night. It has yet to convince me of anything. If you’re going to pay for the electric bill and the upkeep of a giant neon sign as a method of outreach, can’t it be something a bit more convincing? You know… for us lousy heathens who are out driving in the poorer parts of town after dark.
What about, “Google Pascal’s Wager”? Would that not be more effective at reaching the gullible? Or, “Free Taco Bar”? That would at least boost attendance… whether or not they have an all-you-can-eat taco bar. As it stands, “Jesus Saves,” is vague and generic. General rule: Anything that can be put on the roof of a Wal-Mart to help sell cheap, unlicensed High School Musical tee shirts is probably too vague of a message to sell a religious belief.
The CDC put out a report, according to Breitbart.com, saying that “Swine Flu Parties” are a bad idea.
Initial reaction: Whaaa???
Then, I got to this part:
"It’s a big mistake putting individuals and children at risk, and the CDC does not recommend that people follow that course," he said.
The idea, which reportedly first surfaced on speciality Internet sites, comes from "chickenpox parties," where sick children infect healthy ones with the chickenpox virus.
Parents who do this usually oppose vaccinating their children, or want them to have stronger immunity against more virulent strains.
Reaction: Oh fuck me. Jenny McCarthy, if I ever meet you, I will kick you in the testicles.
I’ve given a little bit of thought to these parties where, according to Wonkette, “you invite somebody infected with the dread swine flu and then roll around on that person’s dirty Kleenexes,” and I must say that I now disagree with the CDC.
These parties are a fabulous idea!
If you’re dumb enough to think that purposefully infecting yourself and your children with a lethal virus about which we only understand a little bit, please be my guest and invite as many of your Aniti-Vax friends. Avoid bringing your children, but if you must, at least we get their portions of your genes out of the gene pool too.
Honestly, we were evolved to love and nurture our children while protecting them from harm. Without that instinct, we wouldn’t be alive. If you’re perfectly willing to put your children in direct exposure to a virus about which we know very little but which has killed 44 people, there is something mentally–and probably genetically–wrong with you. Please exit the gene pool.
Cross-Posted on The Contagious Narrative.
Major upgrade to the About HG page, specifically my bio and the “Praise for Reed Braden” section. Go take a look at that.
Let me know what you think about the new changes. And, no, I can’t do anything about the colours… and I like the colours, so I wouldn’t change them if I could.
Well, it’s 7 AM on Friday and I haven’t slept since Wednesday afternoon… so I should probably get on that.
I’m tired of having to reduce my pictures to 400 px wide, so I’ll be fucking with the theme tonight. Excuse the mess. If I get particularly jaunty, I may completely revamp the look and feel too. For now, you just get a lovely ballpoint pen in the corner. Enjoy the pen.
UPDATE: And as soon as I promised a pen, it disappeared. It may come back. I’m always losing pens.
Is in a week!!!
19 is an awkward age. I’m technically an adult but my age still has that obnoxious “teen” crammed in at the end of it. That will all change when I turn 20 on Friday, 15 May. Last time I changed decades, my 10th birthday, I had a cake covered in dinosaurs. I’m still in love with the big lizards, so I hope my 20th birthday cake is also covered with dinosaurs. But this time, no more “friendly dinosaur” bullshit. I want a Deinonychus tearing into the fleshy bits of Ron Paul… or Sarah Palin riding a Utahraptor into the gates of Hell. And not on that crappy rice paper photo cake either. I want someone to draw me that in some goddamn icing. OH! OH! Or Christopher Hitchens playing DeathChess with a Spinosaurus! FUCK YEAH!
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