Is the UU Church Gay? Maybe Not, But Its Pamphlets Are Unforgivably Cheesy

A week ago I gave a talk at a Secular Humanist group at a Unitarian Universalist church in Lynchburg, VA.   This brochure caught my eye, so I took it:  "Is Our Church Gay?"

I lol’d.

The inside offers sample questions regarding gay people and homophobia that children could ask their parents and suggestions for how Unitarians should answer.  Of course, I disagreed with the woo-woo, "God made us different," bullshit, so here are the questions in the brochure, along with the Unitarian parents’ answers, the Evangelical/Baptist parents’ answers, a Catholic priest’s answers and what I would say if asked by my future children.

	Unitarian Universalist Parents	Evangelical/Baptist Parents	Catholic Priest	Me
3-year-old: “Why does Kathy live with two mommies?  Where is her daddy?”	“Some kids live with two mommies, some kids live with a mommy and a daddy, some kids live with a grandma and a daddy.” “There are all kinds of different people who are families, but all families are people who take care of each other and love each other.” ”No matter who is in someone’s family, what is important is that they take care of each other.”	What’s Kathy’s phone number?  I’m calling child support!  When I voted against Kathy having two mommies and encouraged all of my friends and family to do so too, I had Kathy’s security in mind.  You see, Sammy, Kathy lives with two homosexuals who stole her from a real family.  Homosexuals are terrible people who steal children and try to define that as family.	That’s inappropriate. Come back when you’re older.	Kathy’s moms are lesbians.  You know how your dad is gay and brings home a new man every Friday night during “Stay in your room, no matter what you hear time”?  Well, some gay men and lesbian women get married and that’s perfectly okay but incredibly boring. Kathy’s moms probably don’t have as much fun in the bedroom as your dad does.
6-year-old: ”Jimmy’s mom says God hates gay people. Is that true?”	“I believe that God made each of us different from each other and God loves every single on of us.” ”Every person is very special and very wonderful. I do not believe that there is a God who hates certain people and loves certain people” ”Zebras have black and white stripes, and giraffes have spots and long necks.  They are different.  But do you think God loves one more than the other?” ”Probably Jimmy’s mom never met someone who is gay or lesbian, and someone else told her something about them that was wrong, but she believed it.”	Yes, Sammy.  In fact—how old are you now?  Six?—it’s time I take you to your first public Fag Bash.  That’s where we run into the Unitarian church while they don’t expect it, grab the nearest fruitcake and hook it up to the trailer hitch on Billy’s F150.  Then—here’s the fun part—Billy will drive slowly down Main Street and we’ll all take turns throwing eggs at, spitting on and beating the faggot with sticks!  Does that sound fun, Sammy?  No?  Fuck no, you ain’t goin’ to no queer-o dancing class, yer comin’ to the Fag Bash!	Nope. You’re still way too young to be asking those kind of questions.  Come back later.	It doesn’t matter if he does or he doesn’t because he’s imaginary.  You know how you used to have an imaginary friend named Freddy Sparklepants, the Venture Capitalist?  Well, a bunch of grown-ups have an imaginary friend that they call God, except they didn’t come up with him themselves, they stole him from an ancient book of fairy tales and lies called The Bible.  And what’s really silly is that they believe he’s real even though they never see or hear him. Adults are mostly stupid and they hate gay people because their imaginary friend tells them to.
9-year-old: ”How could two men have gotten married in our church?  Only a man and a woman can get married!”	“Legally, two men or two women can’t get married in many parts of the United States and Canada. But our church can join them together in the spirit of marriage: in sickness and in health, for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer. This means that while the government does not recognize them as a married couple, the church can still recognize their union to be just as special as a marriage. For gay or lesbian couples, having a wedding is a chance to have a religious recognition of their commitment and love with the support of their church.”	What?! Two fags got married in my church?  Ugh!  Grab me the lynchin’ rope, Sammy.  You know what we have to do. Call Billy and tell him to warm up the truck.	My, you’re starting to fill out.  But you should come back later.  You’re still a bit young for me to talk about this with you.	First off, kid, we don’t go to church.  Who’s been taking you to church, young man?  Well, you damn well better be taking notes on the sermons and studying for several hours afterward to fact check the lying bastard. And as or the, “Gays can’t get married,” bit, go wash your mouth out with soap for five whole minutes.
12-year-old: ”The kids at school say we go to a gay church. I don’t want to go to a gay church.”	“Think about who goes to our church. Are all of them gay? Of course we’re not a gay church! But we are different from some churches, because we welcome all people, including gay, lesbian, bisexual, and/or transgender people, to be a part of our community. We believe in the worth and dignity of every person.” “We’re not a gay church but we do have gay members.  Sometimes our beliefs are different from other people’s, and that’s okay.”	What?  Who said that?  Was it the Methodists?  Oooh, I bet it was the faggy Methodists!  Listen, Sammy, they call our church gay because they’re jealous that we have bigger penises than them.  Whose church has the tallest steeple in town?  Ours.  That’s because members of our church, and the Jesus that we worship, have the biggest penises in town.	Mmm… just right.  Here, let me take you into the confessional booth and I’ll show you what a gay church really looks like.	I told you already, kid, we don’t go to a church.  Those Sunday morning meetings are daddy’s weekly poker game.  And why wouldn’t you want to go to a gay church if you had to go to a church?  I would think that gay church would be better than a straight one… or at least better dressed.
17-year-old: ”I don’t get why some people are so homophobic! What’s the big deal?”	“In my life I am trying to develop compassion for every person, not to pass judgment on what they do unless it hurts someone else. Does that make sense to you?”	Dammit, Sammy!  We’re not homophobic.  That implies that we are afraid of faggots.  No, we love faggots.  We want them to stop being faggots and join our church and give us money.  Otherwise we “love” them with a coil of rope, a Ford F150 and some good ol’ fashion Southern Pride.	I’m sorry, Sammy, I legally can’t talk to you any more.  So don’t come back to the prison again.  I don’t care if it’s open visitation, I can’t see you!	Like I’ve told you a million times, kid, adults are almost all retarded.  Now eat your corn.

Disclaimer:  I am not responsible for your fucked-up children if you follow my parenting advice.